trying so hard to make myself happy again.

I had a goal for this semester break --- feel happy for at least a week.

I tried going out.
I tried drawing the shit out of me.
I tried working.
I tried gaming the fuck out.
I tried binge watching Stephen Chow.
I tried reading journals.

But then I'm still can't escape from the night attacks.
The insomniac thoughts. Like now.
Everything seems to be pointless
Why am I even trying?
Happy is not my word.
I stopped everything I was trying to do.
Nothing motivates me.
Nothing seems colorful.
I picked up my pen and I forgot how to draw.
I picked up my brush and I forgot how to paint.
I picked up my book and I forgot how to read.
I picked up my phone and I forgot how to talk.
I picked up my marker and I forgot how to teach.
I picked up my car keys and I forgot how to drive.
I picked up my phone and I found nobody to talk to.

You should talk more
Tell others
You can't expect people know what's on your mind, right?
No, I can't.
I couldn't.
Smiling, laughing like an idiot
Avoiding awkward questions
Avoiding personal questions

I can't.
I kept secrets.
Always end up with,
I'm fine.