White Oleander, the Movie 2002

Astrid <3

三宝殿很久没人登了，明明还留着个坐垫给你。

想戒掉对一个人的精神依赖
但名字样子总在脑袋里荡漾
可笑的是自己根本没打算戒掉
拼命说自己努力过
煎熬的瘾君子
旁人认为自己犯贱
戒掉恶习
旁人会认为自己当初自找麻烦
拼命的抓住那一丁点的回忆
然后自行脑补，放大
到最后不舍的放开
虽然痛苦，但也是唯一让自己活下去的动力

瘾君子不会在乎明天是否戒得掉毒瘾
只在乎口袋里的钱能供应多少天的你。

“有些事你太执着了，放开一些会比较好过”

“但执着 是我每天活下去唯一的动力”

12 January 2015, visiting Little Sister's of the Poor, completed.

The preparation

Abnormal Psychology - 10 crime documentaries assignment

Choose any 10 crime documentaries, dig them and write papers about them.
F**k my life after watching all of them



1) Edmund Kemper - Necrophilia and dismembering (fellatio with detached head wtf)

2) Ariel Castro - Abduct and keep three girls in captive for 10 years (strong girls, truly admire them)

 

(so proud of you :') )

3) Love you to Death

4) Perfectly Executed

5) Just Melvin, Just Evil

6) The Preacher's Wives (yup, plural)

7) Sadistic Elders Hunter

8) High School Sweethearts

9) Hitman (long one)

10) The Devil's twin

There are other documentaries which are good too such as:

Barefoot bandit (Colton Harris Moore)

Jodi Arias

Ken and Barbie killer

Living dolls

Munchausen syndrome (Jennifer Bush)

gotta dig more, but no time no energy wanna sleep fck.

To bear the weight

And push into the sky

It's easier to lie

Easier to lie

And honestly

To look you in the eye

It's easier to lie

Easier to lie

To be the one

To be the only one

Someone has to give a lot

Something has to give a lot

And who am I

To give you what you need?

Well, I'm learning

Just learning

Learning how to live

And to bear the weight

And push into the sky

It's easier to lie

Easier to lie

And honestly

To look you in the eye

It's easier to lie

Easier to lie

To fill the space

The space you made for me

I try to be the one you want

I try to be the way you want

And maybe I

Could be the one you need

If you'd only

Show me

Show me how to live

And to bear the weight

And push into the sky

It's easier to lie

Easier to lie

And do what's right

When everything is wrong

It's easier to run

It's easier to never have

To look you in the eye

It's easier to lie

Easier to lie

To bear the weight

And push into the sky

It's easier to lie

"You like her, aren't you?"

"Yeah."

"Why don't you tell her?"

"I did. It was terrible."

"Are you going to give up?"

"No."

"So, are you going to go after her again?"

"No."

"I don't understand, you should move on dude."

"You would understand if you met her."

"Pardon?"

"She's wonderful, perfect, breathtaking, and absolutely stunning. There is no another girl who can replace." 

"Is she THAT special?"

"No."

"Now you're confusing me."

"She is just the same as every girl, made of 72.8% water and carries XX chromosomes. But she is different to me. SO much different."

"Dude, I think you need to stop thinking about her."

"I can't."

"You dived too deep, snapped out from the fantasy for Darwin's sake."

"It's not a fantasy. When I look at her I can see our future, a realistic one. There are girls out there who are much better and smarter, yet none of them makes me feel this way. The picture is so clear and the scene is so real. Her smile, her voice, and her curiosity. I would give up everything just to have her in my life."

"You're only hurting yourself."

"Without the existence of her actually did more hurting to me. She heals me, she is there for anyone."

"Then go ahead and tell her how important she is! It's so simple!"

"No, I won't."

"Now you're really confusing me."

"I like her, I want her in my life, that's why."

"Pardon?"

"She will leave if I told her. She will stop being nice if I told her. I can't lose her."

------------ monologue with the brain 

me:"mom, I'm injured."

mom:"let me see it."
*dig deeper into wound*

me:"mom?"

mom:"Does it hurt?"
*poking around the wound*

me:"Stop it mom, it hurts!"

mom:"Hey look, my son has a silly wound, come and see it!"
*call over the whole neighborhood and relatives*

me:"Mom please don't, why you do this?"

mom:"get over it, just a small bruise, watch out your blood, it better not dirtied my carpet."

me:"mom..."

只要一焦虑就什么都办不到的我是真的需要改掉这坏习惯但是还是会很紧张会顾虑很多多虑的东西我不知道但那念头会紧紧贴着我的脑袋怎么甩都甩不掉我很痛苦放轻松下来会镇定一会儿但是那一波紧张感来袭一波比一波痛苦心跳加速左手刺刺的麻痹感控制不了的情绪言语我好痛苦明知道会好起来但就是会出现无数的搞砸画面让我紧绷会害怕会担心解决不了会在意别人的眼光说到底还是自尊心作祟但我也想平静但为何偏偏是我困扰紧张混乱糟糕头疼脑热压力快疯了快过吧眨眼咬紧硬着头皮快跨过吧